A mess of thoughts: marraige, NOW, past and etc…

May 28, 2008 at 12:21 pm 4 comments

Pardon my tiny break from blogging again. As I mentioned before, I got hooked on using Facebook. Wow, I have gotten in touch with some friends I haven’t talked to in years! And I reconnected with some that I don’t get to chat with often enough anymore. See, I used to go to this really popular message board for moms. I started my very first blog there, in fact. Back in 2001 to be precise. Shaw was a tiny little thing connected to my boobs and Molly was a little thing running around with a head full of curly hair. I was staying home at the time and had nothing better to do than to nurse at the keyboard. This is where I met some of my best friends who I still keep in touch with! Some from Canada, some from the UK, many from the US, and one from New Zealand. I’ve even met quite a few of them and one, Tracy Loo Hoo, is one of my closest of them all. She lives in Florida now so I can’t see her as often as we used to when she was up in Minnesota. Anyways, what I am getting at is…a lot of my friends are primarily technology based. I can’t physically touch them and go to Starbucks with them but they’re just as real as you reading this post, wherever you may be.

Anyways, I got busy chatting with a few of them the other night. One of my friends asked me to come up to Minnesota (not Tracy…another friend from highschool) for a Girls Night Out. I politely just said, Nah. Trying not to go into detail as to why I would not do that. But eventually I told her, honestly, why I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do it out of respect for my husband. Then she asked me if he was the jealous sort. Um…well. There is a huge story behind why he may appear to be that way…but you can’t really blame the guy. Chad and I were on the rocks-well boulders, actually-about 2 years ago after I found myself in the middle of an affair. I am going to spare us all the details because it really is unimportant now. That whole summer feels like a complete out-of-body experience as I look back on it from today. It was chaotic , egocentric, and selfish. I don’t regret it though. I am actually thankful for the experience because without it, I wouldn’t be sitting here with the perspective I have on life-today, this moment. So, that leads me to my next point.

Today, I was listening to chapter 9’s podcast for A New Earth. And it was a total AHA moment for me. Keep in mind, I was just explaining to my friend how I compromise my needs-like going to MN for a night out- for the needs of my husband. It’s a give and take. It goes against my nature to be submissive, but I just know that in this situation, I have to take each moment as it is and not get stuck in egoic thinking and what not. Anyways, this is becoming a complex post. So, today they were talking about contentment. And for me, I have to apply this to my marraige. Can I be content, even when things are not going well? Even when our history from that summer is creeping up? Even when I take a look at myself and the ego tells me, “you are being submissive. You are more important that HIM and what he needs. Don’t put up with that! He doesn’t control you…you shouldn’t have to answer all his questions and deal with his insecurity”

So, I was listening along and what I heard really sums up what has gotten me by the past 2 years. I just live in the moment. Not letting the past make me bitter and not letting the “what might happen” get me worried and anxious. All I have is NOW. When I experience the future, I am actually experiencing it in the present. And the same with the past. When I am thinking about the past, I am doing it in the present. So all I have is NOW. And that is how I get by.

ECKHART TOLLE (AUTHOR A NEW EARTH: AWAKENING TO YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE): Well,
a good practice here is not wanting this moment to be different from the way it is. Just this
moment. That’s where you relinquish the wanting, that’s just a main relinquishment or letting go of
wanting. Not wanting this moment—and it’s always this moment—to be different. So if the children
are screaming and just mayhem, that’s what is and then you deal with what is. But not the internal
rejection of what is. So not wanting, really deep down is: not wanting this moment (a moment may
come in the form of a person, your partner, the children) to be different from the way it is. Then you are aligned. Then you act. You take
action.
You can tell them, “Stop doing that,” but internally you are free, you’re not reacting internally.
OPRAH WINFREY (HOST): What about what Laurie was saying about wanting recognition? Not just
from your spouse, a lot of people you do things and you want people to recognize what you’ve done,
you know, to be, you know, I don’t know, admired or you know, receive affection in your relationship,
is that your ego?
ECKHART TOLLE (AUTHOR A NEW EARTH: AWAKENING TO YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE): It
often is. But if you believe that the world is withholding from you, I say that somewhere in the book.
OPRAH WINFREY (HOST): Yes, you say it in the book.
ECKHART TOLLE (AUTHOR A NEW EARTH: AWAKENING TO YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE):
Give what you think people owe you, give it, and then you see a reciprocal movement, not even
necessarily from the very same people you’re giving it to. But the universe reciprocates if you give
recognition, gratitude, whatever it is. You give it out even to strangers. Recognition, a smile, giving, so
there’s a flow of energy flows out.
OPRAH WINFREY (HOST): Cause what you give out, what you put out is going to come back
always, always, always. That’s a universal law.

So, I just try to remind myself to stay in the moment. When Chad pushes my buttons, my ego wants to rewind and pull up “footage” of everything about him that irritates me. Instead, I can just relax and think from the perspective of NOW and then I get over it faster. I realize, “Hey, that was my ego there, reacting to him and getting me all flustered”…if I think about the past then I have nothing but negativity to offer. And I just try to be with him and give him what he needs.

So, I may not go to Minnesota for a drink. But I have a tiny bit more happier marraige, which is the most important thing.

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Entry filed under: me, stuff.

All quiet on the SE front Hey Good Lookin…

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Keri  |  May 28, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    For what it’s worth coming from me…I’m really proud of you for fighting for your marriage. You could have thrown in the towel very easily, but you didn’t. Even if it sucks donkey balls now and then later….you’ll always be a fighter!

    Reply
  • 2. Anonymous  |  May 31, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Girl, you rock! You go and get all psychological and lose me most of the time, but I still love ya. 🙂 Ha! Will you be coming to MN this summer to see ME??!! You can even bring C along. 😉

    Reply
  • 3. Miranda  |  June 1, 2008 at 8:21 am

    HAHAHA! Tracy! You know, I would definately do that, do you have to ask? Plus you’ve been screened already. Criminal background check passed, sobriety check passed, psychological exam, tetanus, rabies…etc
    He’ll let me see you. 😉

    Reply
  • 4. TracyR  |  June 1, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    PHEW! I was gonna be all sad. I’ve added another kiddo this year, you have to come see him. 🙂 Not sure I’m up on that rabies… 😛

    Reply

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The things we touch have no permanence. My master would say: there is nothing we can hold onto in this world. Only by letting go can we truly possess what is real. -Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

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